YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
