I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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