Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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