he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
