It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I love you.
Bad choice
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
