It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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