I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
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