You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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