ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
