i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
