if only i could text you this smell
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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