Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize