I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
