Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
