Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
