Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
FUCK WHALES
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
