I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize