FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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