I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
