I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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