Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
