I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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