we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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