yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
