Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
there is glitter all over my balls
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
