overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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