don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
