I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
