and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
