turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
