Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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