When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
