you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
