Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize