Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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