Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
