My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
