My Higher Power is John Stamos
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
