I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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