dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
