I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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