just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
