Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
