I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
