K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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