I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
