is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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