PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize