I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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