my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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