I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
