Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
