Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
