There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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