Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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