Your mouth is God's brothel.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
