I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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