A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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