We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
