Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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