i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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