Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You ate ashes out of my bong
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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