Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
