woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
