What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
