I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
