I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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