the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
