I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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