just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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