I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My liver just had a heart attack.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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