i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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