as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
