Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize